Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Too much stuff going on

If you have been in the habit of keeping a journal or writing a blog you may find yourself writing ideas or capturing events or thoughts in your head and find you never get them recorded.  I have done this over and over in the past 3 months.  I had been anticipating the biggest change of my life for three years and even though I know God's timing is perfect I wasn't prepared for the biggest emotional state I find myself in more and more.  I know God hears me when I cry out to Him and of late its the silent cry.  The 'I don't know what I'm doing' cry and then I plod forward through every day.  You see I'm a bit of a planner.  People don't know that Bev anymore.  Sometimes I feel like I'm watching a movie with 'future me' blundering through life and I want to stop and help me out.  I wasn't sure what I was doing for Jacob's grad party or what the date was for sure since we didn't know when we would fly off to Ethiopia.  When we got called to fly off to meet our daughter I ended up staying to bring her home quicker but left a mess of what we called our spare room and nothing was ready to bring her home.  My amazing friends and kids and Scott jumped to the task and got it ready for arrival.  Not the way I had planned. See, the planner in me hates that.  Is there a support group for us planners? Hi I'm Bev Clode and I plan my kids Halloween costumes a year in advance.  I also shop for their birthday theme a year ahead.  I can host dinner for 50 guests last minute and have my house clean at the same time. 
Wow, that is not me now. Since Nick Jr. is playing most times in our house at this early hour a little show is chanting 'don't think about what you can't do but think about what you CAN do.'  Seriously, that should be my new life motto.  I have had the most get-togethers in my home since April.  Friends greeted us with a mini party when we brought Zoe home.  Then we had Jacob's actual graduation and I had family visit.   Then his grad party quickly approached and the decorations came together in the final 24 hrs.  I had 27 family members over for the weekend for our annual Canada Day celebration on American soil and then sent Blaire off to Haiti for a week. I am supposed to be training for a marathon and have to deal with maybe just running a half and maybe not have it be my best time. (I think I need a support group for this too)  We wanted our whole family to fly to Scotland for my cousins wedding but that idea changed and just I was going to go.  I wasn't worried, but another big event just the same. Two days ago I landed in Toronto from my amazing 6 days in Scotland, drove home right away and got home at 1 am.  Really 6 am Scotland time so I was a little exhausted.  But I was hosting Zoe's 4th birthday and had to make her a cake from scratch.  I got that made with people helping to decorate the cake and decorate the house and wrap my daughter's gifts and last minute table set up.  When someone texts to say 'can I bring anything' or 'let me know what I can do even last minute' I usually think it's super nice but never take the person up on the offer.  Well, I had to and it nearly broke me.  I stood in my house watching my friends take over my kitchen because I wasn't ready and I cried.  Cried uncontrollably.  I cried because I felt like I failed.  I cried because I was exhausted.   I cried because I was overwhelmed by the event of celebrating Zoe turning 4 in her new home and I cried because the last four months have been incredibly busy.  I am overloaded with events I want to share on Instagram and Facebook and I realize your news feed is filled of images of Zoe almost daily.  Her first plane ride, Her first swim, first time meeting everyone we know, getting her ears pierced, her first trip to Canada, her first beach experience, her first visit to the dentist (I'll post those soon).  I'm crying just reminiscing.  Zoe has been amazing. She hasn't experienced any emotional adjustment. She sleeps in her own bed, goes with the flow when we go out a lot and even has grown to like the jogger stroller.   So getting back to me, I have one more big event to happen.  My first born, my only son, is leaving us for college and that might be the biggest event that I haven't really dealt with yet.  I think now I can accept it and I can process it and will have to suck it up and not lose it on campus as we move him in.  Oh look, Zoe just got her dublo on the bed next to me and my laptop and built a tower all by herself!  I have to get my camera.  Will post later.