Let me be her answered prayer

Today I was looking back on a journal I began writing when we first started our adoption journey.  I wrote,
'Lord, where are you taking me? I'm entering a world, a journey, I know nothing about.  Being so helpless, poor and alone that I cannot care for my own child.  I don't personally know anyone who lives like this, yet is this my child's birth mom?  Is she too young, or sick or has other children and cannot feed another? I will take them.  Let me be your hands and feet to help a girl who can't bear to be separated from their child but has no choice.  Let me be her answered prayer.'

Reading back on my journals remind me of the incredible miracle we have in Zoe.  We are approaching her 3rd Gotcha Day on April 12 and I'm always reminiscent of the events and thoughts and prayers that lead us to being her parents.  I write an update on her growth and development every year and send it to our agency in hopes that this will allow Ethiopia and other countries support the adoption effort that is so needed.  Just a couple of months after we brought Zoe home her orphanage shut down and the children who were 'left' were sent back to their villages.  I cannot even imagine.  I support the way our agency chose a child for us rather than us looking through pictures and choosing one that stood out to us.  We were on the journey to choose two children at one time.  We were told it's a longer wait for a sibling group but we could wait.  In my journal, I was reminded of some government changes towards adoption cases.  We still were giving this to God and waited for two children to show up for us to adopt.  Scott went to Haiti during the aftermath of the earthquake at that time and obviously was struck by the huge orphan crisis in Haiti.  I wrote about God softening our hearts to possibly one child in Ethiopia and one from Haiti.  I'm so glad I documented my thoughts.  The process was full of changes and answered prayers along the way.  How could I rely on anything but God in this situation?  He knew the big picture.  I would wake at night worrying for our child.  On Mar.11'11 I wrote about reading Mark 14.  In preparing for the Passover with Jesus some disciples were instructed to go to a city and find a man and follow him to his home etc. and in verse 16 it says,'and the disciples left, went into the city and found things just as Jesus had told them.'  I always think about how Jesus could just get the essentials himself.  Make them appear and still amaze his friends. Just like he could make this government block disappear.  Allow Zoe to come home and not endure life in an orphanage. I asked God many times why we were jumping through unnecessary hoops to do a good thing.  God says take care of the orphans and we wanted to but why did it take three years? The disciples got to go on a journey and watch how every detail of this Passover feast was unfolding by following His every step.  We took lots of steps I had forgotten about. That's why I journal.

Saying yes to God never comes up short.  I'm listening to the audio book titled, 'What Happens When Women Say Yes To God'.  Lysa Terkeurst says,'Don't look at your inabilities and give into your insecurities.' 'In my disobedience what am I missing?'  If I didn't say yes to adoption look at what I would have missed out on!

We waited three years for Zoe and now we have had her in our care for three years.  How can that be?  My yearly update included how Zoe loves school.  She has been a great world traveler.  She eats well and growing like a weed.  She is getting better at sports and loves to read.
I often Facebook about the crazy things Zoe comes up with and I want to leave you with what I documented on Feb. 27'16
Tonight Zoe asked Scott to read her about Jesus' death.  So they read the bible and she said, 'What is rich?' Scott answered. 'What is poor'? Scott answered.  Then Zoe said, 'I was poor.'  Scott told her that her birth mommy loved her very much and God had a plan for her.  Zoe answered, 'ya, to be with you guys.' It makes me cry every time!

Psalm 22 is a cry for help by David.  Verse 24 says,'For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.'

I thank God that He listened to the cry for help by two moms and for their worlds to collide.  We were each other's answered prayer.
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Drifting Off To My Happy Place

'Take me to my happy place' was the recurring theme throughout our 'experience' at the salon yesterday.  Usually going to the salon is relaxing.   I personally get my hair done in my neighbor's home salon and always have a very enjoyable time chatting and getting caught up.  Well, this wasn't for me and it was a new place I thought we could try to get Zoe's hair braided for vacation.  Up until now, I have washed and styled my daughter's hair.  I'm no expert.  Even with Blaire's hair I never learned to braid any fancy style.  Well, Zoe's hair is different.  I love reading about other friends on Facebook who are going through the same thing with their adopted children.  Success stories and shameless photos of the finished product is always encouraging.  However, the beautiful end result comes with sweat and tears.  I thought if I went to a salon and had someone who had experience with braiding African American hair we could be done with little pain.  Zoe cries at the mention of getting her hair done.  If I tell her it's bath time she always asks, 'and hair?' She's relieved when I reply that it's just a bath, no hair.  Yesterday, I had to take her braids out first before we got in the car and drove 25 mins away.  I could tell she didn't like this unknown destination and kept telling me she's scared.  (a break your heart moment right?) The young lady, ready to conquer the task, has been doing her siblings' hair since she was 12.  She wasn't overly talkative but with mom standing in front of Zoe, holding an iPad and feeding her snacks, we tried to bear through it.  The lady at the front desk interrupted us after 15 mins and told me if she continues to cry we will have to leave.  Stress factor #1.  This young girl started out doing the design I wanted (that was really simple) but ended up with 15 braids - and that was just the top part of her head!  Stress factor #2!  Doesn't she realize taking these braids out is just as stressful?  I was wishing to melt away to my happy place.  Someplace warm, of course.  A place where I have no responsibilities and certainly not a place where people are interrupting my peace.  Back to the salon, another lady comes over to try and console Zoe by telling her she needs to be a big girl and not cry.  More women kept trying to offer a better snack - like that's the issue. Yes, it distracted her for a second but only made me sweat more.  I wanted to walk out.   Have you ever been at the grocery store with young kids and they're crying and people walk by and offer their advice on why they are crying?  'Oh, it must be nap time'.  No, they are just having a temper tantrum because I told them no candy!  Another lady in the salon, told me she is stressing out!  Zoe is stressing out! (understatement)  Do you want to see stressing out?  How about the time when I first put Zoe in the bath.  She probably got washed down in a bucket with cold water outside of the orphanage.  No bathtubs there.  How about the time I got her to sit in the tub.  That was stressful.  When I watched a nanny braid her hair in the orphanage and even when we first got her home and we offered up TV and every piece of candy we had.  Nope!  Zoe's hair is thick and curly.  It's beautiful and I love it and I am learning with every hair wash and new style we try to ease up on the tangles.  I keep trying new products because there has to be a miracle cream and conditioner.  Zoe has come such a long way!  We celebrate one year on April 12.  Her Gotcha Day!  My next blog will list all the new challenges she has overcome and experiences this 4 year old has achieved in one short year.  But this hair thing is definitely a lifelong one.  I know she will grow up to appreciate her hair and what we go through (please God).

Three hours and 23 braids later we have the best hair style yet.  But I won't be rushing back.  I learned from this girl and bought a few tools to help me in the future.  This will have to continue to be a private experience so Zoe feels comfortable, so people don't see me sweat and to keep the cost down.  Everyone comments on how cute her fro looks when it's just full and she has a great bow or headband in.  And then every African American tells me, don't do it!  It dries out so quickly and more traumatic to brush out the next day.  Thankfully these hair styles last between 2-3 weeks so we all get a break.  Applaud moms with young children who spend a couple of hours on their girl's hair.   Drifting off to my happy place is fine but this is reality.  I'm not skilled but I try and trying to eliminate the tears - mostly mine.  

Raising kids

It was so great to hang out with all my kids yesterday.  Jacob and Blaire always get along and hearing Zoe squeal from the back seat, 'Are we at Jacob's school yet'?  just amazes me what has transpired in the last 10 months.  I remember back when we first introduced the idea of adoption to the kids.  They were settled with life as it was.  At the time, Jacob wasn't a fan of change, and so we were in the car talking about raising kids and I told him we were thinking about adoption.  I remember his reaction was, 'no, no, no'!  I told him to pray about it.  He was 13 and I knew he would.  We had just moved him from his old neighborhood and school that he was very comfortable in.  We moved churches as well and he seemed to always be in a new environment.  We prayerfully made all those moves and this was no exception.  Blaire just wanted a sister so she was on board. Two weeks later Jacob said he prayed and we should adopt.  Who knew at that time, across the globe, a little girl was born and her father had died around this time.  Her mother struggled to feed her kids and who knows who put the idea of relinquishing her rights in her head but I'm sure it wasn't an easy and quick decision by any means.  That same girl is upset with Jacob four hours later when we have to say goodbye and leave him at college. Today is just a quick lunch visit and she folds her arms in protest but kisses her brother and doesn't understand that he will be home for a break in 6 days.  It makes me cry to see the love that has formed between these two.  Even the look on Blaire's face when she comes home from school every day to get a hug from her new sister.  It doesn't seem so new anymore.  Its regular life in the Clode household.  I think back to some things I tried to instill in my kids growing up.
1. Home is a safe place.  There was no tolerance for sibling rivalry.  They were to respect one another and not call each other names.  'Stupid' was banned from our vocabulary to the point of when I read a book with that word in it I would say 'silly'.  It was hard for me to hear Scott read that same book and he didn't get the word change 'memo'.  LOL.  The kids are friends now and I believe Zoe feels safe here.  We can't control how people treat us in the world so I put up boundaries in our home.
2. God became apart of our everyday life.  I remember getting Jacob dressed for church on a Sunday morning in his suit and tie.  He was 6 years old and he yelled out he hated going to church and he didn't want to go.  My heart sank and I felt like I failed as a mother.  We decided that making him was the answer that day but we also didn't make church the only time he heard about God.  Our kids began to see that worshiping Jesus can be done around the dinner table, through our conversation, or in the car when we can sing to Him.  We began to see that our clothes and when we attended church wasn't the issue.  Prayerfully our kids got to see God work in their lives and I think our whole adoption story has changed their lives forever.
3. Our kids aren't the center of our family.  Let me explain.  I believe God has created marriage forever.  Scott and I were married for three years before Jacob came along.  Having a baby didn't come between Scott and I.  Literally, he didn't sleep between us in our bed.  He needed to respect Daddy and Mommy time and we left him with babysitters and went on vacation once in a while without him ( and Blaire when she came along).  I believe in kids seeing their parents be in control and not the other way around.  This was demonstrated to Zoe day 1.  She would flip out about a lot of things and of course we had to allow her time to feel acclimated and comfortable and safe.  But she never slept in our bed and I stood my ground on how she was treating all of us when she wanted her way.  To make her feel apart of this family I only knew to treat her like the others.  That's why I think she fits in so well. She officially was named Zoe Ayame Clode on Jan.7, 2014.  She goes to preschool, loves singing about Jesus, and loves hanging out with our family and friends.  She gets upset when she has to share her toys because she's four. She is a great eater and knows she has to stay in her seat in a restaurant.  She is learning to dress herself and make her bed.  I'm a mother of three and I'm so proud of all of them.

Gold Seals

I love getting gold seals. In third grade I got the most gold stars in a math quiz competition and won. Funny now, since math is not my strong suit. Getting gold means winning and I equate that with the red ribbon (which means first place in Canada) and I earned many in track and other competitions throughout my life. Well, today gold seal means my work is complete in the world of adoption. We are given a list of documents we have to dig up from birth certificates to financial statements. Friends write their recommendations for us, we have pictures taken of our family and we write a letter to Ethiopia telling them why we want to adopt. Then we get them notarized. There are special requirements for the notary and we finalized them last week. Today I sat in the DMV for 60 minutes and had a man approve my notaries and made my paperwork all official. Then, I copied every page four times. You'd think I would be a pro at all this since this is our second time around. We originally had to collect these documents two years ago when we initially sent off our request for a child. Paperwork is daunting for me but after my initial shock of having come through two years and find out it's all going to expire in two months, I got right to it.
I've been praying for my daughter all day. I've had a smile on my face and feel like I would do anything for her now that we have a face and name to this girl. Our updates are encouraging in the fact that things are still moving forward. Still no court date though. I would never tell anyone not to adopt because of time and paperwork.
The hard does not minimize His goodness but allows us to experience His goodness in a whole new way. - Katie Davis
God has got this and I'm so glad because I'm sure I would mess it up if it were up to me. I love when people ask about the process and love when others are anxious and even upset. It gives me a chance to give God the glory. It's ok and we will have our daughter soon enough. As for now, we have filled her room with a friend of Jacob's who needed a place to stay and I am volunteering one day of the week in a kindergarten class and I'm studying Nehemiah with a great group of ladies and training for a half marathon and full later in the year. So, I'm awarding God a gold seal for constantly reminding me of His love and His control and His goodness.
Jeremiah 32:17 - Lord and King, you have reached out your great and powerful arm. You have made the heavens and the earth. Nothing is too hard for you.