Live in the moment you are in

I have been practicing yoga almost every week since October. I'm open-minded.  I've read Eat Pray Love. I don't give into bettering self and believing in 'a higher power'.  I personally give that  'higher power' a name and so I can think on such thoughts.  We typically attend church on Saturday nights so Sunday mornings are available to attend yoga.  Now, whatever ideas you have about yoga, until you actual go to a class and enjoy the instructor, you should give it another try.  "The word guru is composed of two Sanskrit syllables. The first means 'darkness', the second means 'light'. Out of darkness and into the light"   page 123 of Eat Pray Love. I know this is Hindu but again I relate the light to be Jesus. We are to put on Christ and take off ourselves. Matthew 5.  Today's class was so fitting.  I am currently listening to God as a recurring theme keeps popping up daily.  'Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.'
I don't get caught up in everything this instructor shares but today she says to the class 'live in the moment you are in now'.  I relate it to what God says in His word.

Matthew 6:34 (NIV) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Then she says, "Don't concentrate on the music. It's a distraction and just look into yourself."  What? She does not know me one bit!  Music is everything to me.  It changes my thinking, my mood, my actions.  Music moves me to run, laugh, cry.  Every week I ask this instructor the name of a song she played so I can go straight to my itunes store and purchase it.  Today that song was Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson.  I'm sitting cross legged with my palms open and resting on my knees.  A posture I find myself sitting in more and more in my free time.  A posture my pastor just asked us to practice in his sermon last night.  A posture that says, 'God I surrender'.  Now one tear streams down my cheek and in the next 5 minutes I'm glad the room is dark and I'm in the front row and we are instructed to close our eyes.  It's just me and God in this moment and he gently reminds me of when He has carried me in my life.  He carried me through high school, through my 22 years of marriage, through my dad's cancer, through our adoption process, to name a few. He is faithful so why do I doubt?  All we can do is keep breathing.
Later in the class, while in child's pose, she plays Dare You To Move by Switchfoot.  I smile again and even lip sync to the song.  Again thankful for the darkened room and praising God a song about Salvation is playing on this fine Sunday morning.  Yoga is awesome! Then a final song comes on while in a 'sleeping' pose and it's country.  AHHH! I hate country with all my being but yoga is the opposite of hate and I pray to relax and NOT concentrate on the song.  I finally find myself relaxing and not worrying or thinking of anything. This hour did the trick.  I'm ready to take on the world again (for at least another week). The instructor talks about taking your practice into everyday life.  So when someone cuts you off in the parking lot don't give into anger and reciprocate the action. Breathe.  I finish a very satisfying hour and glad Scott joined me as he does most weeks.  I roll up my mat (yes I'm a real yogi and have my own mat) and leave to get Zoe from the child care center. I'm thrilled to see she ventured into the climbing maze with tunnels and slides.  This is new for her.  But when she looks into my eyes and hears me calling for her to come down she decides to go further away.  She climbs higher and stares at me.  Ooohhh! She doesn't know I'm not beyond climbing up to get her out myself.  I've been known to jump into germ invested ball pits, that used to amuse the kids at McDonald's, to retrieve my child a time or two. Breathe! She finally submits to my firm calling and instead of laying into her, I uncross my arms and tell her I'm so excited she tried something new.  I then had to insist she use the potty before we leave and she refused and my temperature begins to rise.  I know I'm reaping from a late night and the loss of the dreaded Daylight Savings hour.  She has the gall to ask for a cookie and I promptly say no and she cries. So I'm exiting the gym, passing by the once peaceful room I so enjoyed moments ago and go about my normal life.  God help me!  True story.

Raising kids

It was so great to hang out with all my kids yesterday.  Jacob and Blaire always get along and hearing Zoe squeal from the back seat, 'Are we at Jacob's school yet'?  just amazes me what has transpired in the last 10 months.  I remember back when we first introduced the idea of adoption to the kids.  They were settled with life as it was.  At the time, Jacob wasn't a fan of change, and so we were in the car talking about raising kids and I told him we were thinking about adoption.  I remember his reaction was, 'no, no, no'!  I told him to pray about it.  He was 13 and I knew he would.  We had just moved him from his old neighborhood and school that he was very comfortable in.  We moved churches as well and he seemed to always be in a new environment.  We prayerfully made all those moves and this was no exception.  Blaire just wanted a sister so she was on board. Two weeks later Jacob said he prayed and we should adopt.  Who knew at that time, across the globe, a little girl was born and her father had died around this time.  Her mother struggled to feed her kids and who knows who put the idea of relinquishing her rights in her head but I'm sure it wasn't an easy and quick decision by any means.  That same girl is upset with Jacob four hours later when we have to say goodbye and leave him at college. Today is just a quick lunch visit and she folds her arms in protest but kisses her brother and doesn't understand that he will be home for a break in 6 days.  It makes me cry to see the love that has formed between these two.  Even the look on Blaire's face when she comes home from school every day to get a hug from her new sister.  It doesn't seem so new anymore.  Its regular life in the Clode household.  I think back to some things I tried to instill in my kids growing up.
1. Home is a safe place.  There was no tolerance for sibling rivalry.  They were to respect one another and not call each other names.  'Stupid' was banned from our vocabulary to the point of when I read a book with that word in it I would say 'silly'.  It was hard for me to hear Scott read that same book and he didn't get the word change 'memo'.  LOL.  The kids are friends now and I believe Zoe feels safe here.  We can't control how people treat us in the world so I put up boundaries in our home.
2. God became apart of our everyday life.  I remember getting Jacob dressed for church on a Sunday morning in his suit and tie.  He was 6 years old and he yelled out he hated going to church and he didn't want to go.  My heart sank and I felt like I failed as a mother.  We decided that making him was the answer that day but we also didn't make church the only time he heard about God.  Our kids began to see that worshiping Jesus can be done around the dinner table, through our conversation, or in the car when we can sing to Him.  We began to see that our clothes and when we attended church wasn't the issue.  Prayerfully our kids got to see God work in their lives and I think our whole adoption story has changed their lives forever.
3. Our kids aren't the center of our family.  Let me explain.  I believe God has created marriage forever.  Scott and I were married for three years before Jacob came along.  Having a baby didn't come between Scott and I.  Literally, he didn't sleep between us in our bed.  He needed to respect Daddy and Mommy time and we left him with babysitters and went on vacation once in a while without him ( and Blaire when she came along).  I believe in kids seeing their parents be in control and not the other way around.  This was demonstrated to Zoe day 1.  She would flip out about a lot of things and of course we had to allow her time to feel acclimated and comfortable and safe.  But she never slept in our bed and I stood my ground on how she was treating all of us when she wanted her way.  To make her feel apart of this family I only knew to treat her like the others.  That's why I think she fits in so well. She officially was named Zoe Ayame Clode on Jan.7, 2014.  She goes to preschool, loves singing about Jesus, and loves hanging out with our family and friends.  She gets upset when she has to share her toys because she's four. She is a great eater and knows she has to stay in her seat in a restaurant.  She is learning to dress herself and make her bed.  I'm a mother of three and I'm so proud of all of them.

celebrating the little things

So it's February and I didn't even get a post written in January.  Wow! What have I been doing since I rang in the year 2014?  Well, if you are a mom of kids under 10 you understand what happened.  You got back into a routine that doesn't allow time for sitting down and recording the events of your life.  The ball dropped in New York on January 1 and it was like I heard a gun go off simultaneously in my head.  'And we're off ', someone yelled and I began running.  Back to preschool, packed for a trip, flew my parents and Zoe to Florida for 6 days, went to court to officially change Zoe's name, endured 7 snow days, attended a family birthday party in Canada and was privileged enough to get away for two days to scrapbook.  Oh ya, that's what I did in January.  Back up to a pretty significant event in Zoe's life - getting on a plane for the first time since we flew home from Ethiopia NINE MONTHS ago!  I cannot believe it has been that long.  Zoe got a zebra print, rolling suitcase for Christmas and we told her we were going to visit Aunt Cheryl in Florida and go on a plane.  Her expression changed and she ran out of the room.  Scott and I followed her and we found her crying on her bed.  Scott, the compassionate one, hugged her and asked her why she was crying.  We figured out that she was worried about me taking her on a plane.  The last time she remembers that big event was me taking her from her birthplace and bringing her 'home'.  Poor thing felt like we were taking her back to Ethiopia? After I hugged her and talked up the big trip to Florida she was fine.  And when I say fine, I mean she didn't get sad about it again. Even on the morning we left and drove an agonizing three hours to the airport through the worst snowy roads I've driven on and had a 'home alone' experience to get to our gate on time with two 80 year olds and a toddler, she didn't get upset again.  Take off and landing was an amazing experience (when mommy pulled out homemade banana muffins to snack on and games to play). Never a dull moment.  Throw in a momentous occasion on January 7th. Standing in court for 45 minutes to hear our name called and officially get paperwork for Zoe to be Zoe Ayame Clode.  Then one morning last week I received a CD I requested from the agency of all the pictures they had of Zoe in the time she was at the orphanage.  We looked at it together and she laughs.  We watch videos of her speaking another language and I think about when we can explain how this, how she, has changed our lives.  She's the reason I get my snow pants on and bundle up to play in our winter wonderland out back.  She's the reason I sing about 6 little ducks, and the itsy bitsy spider and shop at Gymboree more than any other store these days.  We celebrate dry pull ups in the morning and empty cereal bowls and when we can change her hair barrettes without fussing.  What will you celebrate today, this week, this month? Share with me.  Write it down. Stick it to your mirror.  Enjoy February 2014.
This is spoken so strongly to me in Hebrews 10:23-24 in the Message Bible
Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going.  He always keeps His word.  Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out...

Final thoughts for 2013

Its the day before I take down my Christmas Tree and this usually makes me a little sad.  A few mornings I've awakened early to sit in silence and stare at the lit up tree and marvel at this past year.  The tree had wrapped gifts under it just a few days ago and Zoe was about to embark on a new Christmas experience.  She had never unwrapped a gift with her name on it before.  Last year I recall being apart of purchasing a goat for her orphanage to eat a decent meal, brought to them by my friend Melissa who lived there (and was Zoe's guardian angel until we could bring her home.)  Zoe has experienced so much in just 8 months and has taken it all in stride. Even just in the last 30 days she has been on a snowmobile, visited Santa, made snow angels and snowmen, skated - and did amazing I might add.  She has discovered that candy canes are 'too hot' and that when the 'Forbes' family get together its very loud.  She received the first gift she asked for which was a piggy bank and has been a social butterfly at many parties and gatherings. One of my most special memories has been watching her experience our church Christmas service.  There was music and dancing (which caused her to hold her hands to her ears in protest) but when the candlelight part started, things calmed down and she needed two hands to hold her very own candle.  I lost it.  I cried like a baby and couldn't take my eyes off her.  She has her beautiful red and silver American Girl dress on.  Yes, she is an American girl.  She is sitting on a friend's lap and is so comfortable.  Not sure what she is taking in.  Not sure if she understands what all this represents.  My tears are full of joy.  I sit in church and the last 8 months blur through my mind.  I picture when we first met.  I picture her waking up next to me for the first time in Ethiopia.  I picture her eating pizza and hamburgers for the first time and speaking english as she repeated after me.  She can sing her alphabet, remember people's names, can write her own name and dress herself.  She's potty trained and healthy and she's safe with us! All this flashes through my mind in church.  The very place where I felt God nudge me to get on board to sign up to adopt.  He had Zoe picked out just for us before she was born.  God has a journey planned out for you and me.  Like a marathon, it's long, sometimes difficult but mostly exhilarating.  Christmas for me in 2013 was exhilarating.  I want to leave you with a quote from a very profound book - ya, because I read profound books.

Dr. Seuss - Oh, The Places You'll Go
Oh the places you'll go,
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So....get on your way!

The Clodes have climbed a mountain in 2013.  I am excited about ringing in 2014 and I may write about a few things going on.  Zoe is my new favorite topic.  I'll leave you with some good advice she left Scott with one day before he left the house.  She kissed him goodbye and yelled out the door; 'Bye Daddy, have a good day and don't pee your pants'.  Happy New Year!

Looking Through Zoe-Colored Glasses

The other day Scott told me that every time he sees Zoe it makes him smile.  I asked him if after 21 years of marriage I do that for him ...no, I didn't say that out loud but it made me consider if I have taken having this little four year old around for granted.  It has been 7 months since we brought Zoe to her new world and the holidays have been a blast.  We have photographed all her firsts; first snowfall, first Thanksgiving, and everything about Christmas is a first!  Two weeks ago we decided to bring Zoe to meet Santa at the mall on a lonely Friday night.  No line!  We told her about Santa and him bringing her presents on Christmas morning one minute before she laid eyes on the jolly old guy.  Her eyes lit up and because both Scott and I were living in the moment we don't have a video of it - I know how terrible.  However, as per usual, Zoe was very welcoming and friendly and sat on this Santa's lap like she had known him forever.  He looked into her eyes and asked her what she wanted for Christmas.  She was speechless and I informed him that this was Zoe's first Christmas.  His expression was precious and he asked where she was from.  He talked about toys and princesses and this was a language she already knew.  We got a picture package, of course, and Santa spoke to us some more while Zoe explored the make-shift North Pole.  There was no 'I wants' and she was given a stuffed penquin and skipped down the ramp.  I'm not sure what was going through her mind. Then the other day, while driving in the car, I broke my rule and turned on Christmas music a few days before December 1st.  Jingle Bell Rock came on and I looked over my shoulder and said, 'Zoe, this is the first time you have heard Jingle Bell Rock!' Then Elvis' Blue Christmas came on and I said, 'Zoe, this is the first time you are listening to Blue Christmas!'  Do you get that excited about Christmas anymore? We drive through the neighborhood and she sees houses lit up and cheers.  She was so fun to have around while we got out her first ornament to put on the tree and listen to my Hallmark musical animals over and over.  I got emotional when I took out her stocking with her name on it that I purchased two Christmas' ago.  We thought she was coming so much sooner.  I don't want to miss any new wonder with Zoe this year.  She can't wait to make a snowman and go sledding and skating.  I also don't want to shower her with so much that we forget to remember why we celebrate Christmas.  Jesus entered this world in a very lowly state.  In a humble stable yet the Son of God.  I sing Away in A Manger every night to Zoe now.  She is accepting to talk about Jesus.  She is learning about him at preschool and church and I hope she continues to wonder about Him.  I challenge you to see Christmas through Zoe-colored glasses.  What wonder does God want to show you this season and into the year 2014?  Merry Christmas!

Putting Life into Perspective

Life is a funny thing.  When we're down we look for ways to be charged up to carry on another day. If I'm honest I turn to chocolate first! Then I have a devotion that I try to read to lift my spirits, lift my eyes to God who I know has the power to change my perspective and get a better attitude.  I signed up for my third marathon back in February and then we found out we were Ethiopian bound in April. We were finally going to meet our daughter and then after a three week stay I was bringing our four year old home to stay. There goes my freedom to run.   I started acting like I just gave birth.  I was overeating, not sleeping a ton and I didn't feel like doing my training runs at all!  Like any mother of young children, you come to a point where you realize you can't do it all and alter your life.  This was especially difficult for me since I had teenagers and didn't have children home in the day for years. I liked my routine of volunteering and helping in the schools and church and hanging with friends.  I liked my quiet time and freedom to do what I wanted. Now it took all my energy to take care of my daughter's basic needs and get to know her likes and dislikes and teach her english and continue my daily duties I used to do around the house.  I've written before about the emotional roller coaster I've been on and don't want to bore you with the tears and frustration dealing with our family changes.  Then my perspective changed the day when our adoption agency had a gift for us.  A gift we paid for and knew was coming but didn't realize how it would change our lives.  Yes, I knew this little girl would change our lives but this gift was a CD of my child's birth mother talking in her language about her life, about the day Zoe was born and about how she wants Zoe to know how much she loves her.  Her poverty and hard life hits me!  Tears stream down my face and I think about the lyrics of a One Republic song, Stop and Stare;
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
I never want to complain about potty training or dealing with a toddler who doesn't understand the word no because having ice cream for breakfast isn't good for her.  I don't want to ever complain about how frustrating these new car seats are and how much longer it takes me to go grocery shopping with a toddler.  I mentioned I signed up for the Detroit marathon and now I've succumbed to running a half marathon.  I'm good with this.  I run with Hope Water Project and this comes with a huge responsibility to educate my friends and family about the issue of the lack of clean water for thousands of people.  It really changes your life perspective when you take the time to view a short video of people who live in terrible conditions every day.  My daughter just woke up after being put to bed 15 minutes ago.  She says I forgot to brush her teeth.  'Silly mommy put Zoe to bed without brushing teeth', Zoe says.  We go to the tap and brush her teeth with her Dora tooth brush and fresh clean water.  Five short months ago she did not do that! My life perspective has changed!  Will you allow yours to be changed too?

Too much stuff going on

If you have been in the habit of keeping a journal or writing a blog you may find yourself writing ideas or capturing events or thoughts in your head and find you never get them recorded.  I have done this over and over in the past 3 months.  I had been anticipating the biggest change of my life for three years and even though I know God's timing is perfect I wasn't prepared for the biggest emotional state I find myself in more and more.  I know God hears me when I cry out to Him and of late its the silent cry.  The 'I don't know what I'm doing' cry and then I plod forward through every day.  You see I'm a bit of a planner.  People don't know that Bev anymore.  Sometimes I feel like I'm watching a movie with 'future me' blundering through life and I want to stop and help me out.  I wasn't sure what I was doing for Jacob's grad party or what the date was for sure since we didn't know when we would fly off to Ethiopia.  When we got called to fly off to meet our daughter I ended up staying to bring her home quicker but left a mess of what we called our spare room and nothing was ready to bring her home.  My amazing friends and kids and Scott jumped to the task and got it ready for arrival.  Not the way I had planned. See, the planner in me hates that.  Is there a support group for us planners? Hi I'm Bev Clode and I plan my kids Halloween costumes a year in advance.  I also shop for their birthday theme a year ahead.  I can host dinner for 50 guests last minute and have my house clean at the same time. 
Wow, that is not me now. Since Nick Jr. is playing most times in our house at this early hour a little show is chanting 'don't think about what you can't do but think about what you CAN do.'  Seriously, that should be my new life motto.  I have had the most get-togethers in my home since April.  Friends greeted us with a mini party when we brought Zoe home.  Then we had Jacob's actual graduation and I had family visit.   Then his grad party quickly approached and the decorations came together in the final 24 hrs.  I had 27 family members over for the weekend for our annual Canada Day celebration on American soil and then sent Blaire off to Haiti for a week. I am supposed to be training for a marathon and have to deal with maybe just running a half and maybe not have it be my best time. (I think I need a support group for this too)  We wanted our whole family to fly to Scotland for my cousins wedding but that idea changed and just I was going to go.  I wasn't worried, but another big event just the same. Two days ago I landed in Toronto from my amazing 6 days in Scotland, drove home right away and got home at 1 am.  Really 6 am Scotland time so I was a little exhausted.  But I was hosting Zoe's 4th birthday and had to make her a cake from scratch.  I got that made with people helping to decorate the cake and decorate the house and wrap my daughter's gifts and last minute table set up.  When someone texts to say 'can I bring anything' or 'let me know what I can do even last minute' I usually think it's super nice but never take the person up on the offer.  Well, I had to and it nearly broke me.  I stood in my house watching my friends take over my kitchen because I wasn't ready and I cried.  Cried uncontrollably.  I cried because I felt like I failed.  I cried because I was exhausted.   I cried because I was overwhelmed by the event of celebrating Zoe turning 4 in her new home and I cried because the last four months have been incredibly busy.  I am overloaded with events I want to share on Instagram and Facebook and I realize your news feed is filled of images of Zoe almost daily.  Her first plane ride, Her first swim, first time meeting everyone we know, getting her ears pierced, her first trip to Canada, her first beach experience, her first visit to the dentist (I'll post those soon).  I'm crying just reminiscing.  Zoe has been amazing. She hasn't experienced any emotional adjustment. She sleeps in her own bed, goes with the flow when we go out a lot and even has grown to like the jogger stroller.   So getting back to me, I have one more big event to happen.  My first born, my only son, is leaving us for college and that might be the biggest event that I haven't really dealt with yet.  I think now I can accept it and I can process it and will have to suck it up and not lose it on campus as we move him in.  Oh look, Zoe just got her dublo on the bed next to me and my laptop and built a tower all by herself!  I have to get my camera.  Will post later.